Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.