If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Truth
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.