We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
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dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied