My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.