If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
The smoothest fall of all time
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.