Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok