Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.