“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
You Might Also Like
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.