[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me as a therapist: omg same
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry