5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
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“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
No regrets in 2018
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!