“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Gemma Correll
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security