The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Netflix and you sit over there.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.