I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
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My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]