Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag