[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
put ‘er there pardner!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.