Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I’m giving up ice.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.