Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.