If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
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Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
my one true gender
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“TGIM!” – My liver
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.