[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Taking phone security to the next level.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?