If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
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I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”