Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
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Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
water it, i dare you
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.