“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
We’ve all been there
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure