Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Tremendous stuff
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”