I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
WHY?!
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago