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2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.