Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
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Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
She was REALLY feeling it.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
$3 #books
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it