Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
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My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!