Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
an airline just for babies.
The days of good grammer has went
Yeah. This was me today.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Bread puns are on the rise!
Morning.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.