Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
You Might Also Like
Tony Hawk, age 6
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!