I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.