[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
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Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!