The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.