When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual