[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.