Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
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All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.