Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.