I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
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こいつ天才
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.