My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
You Might Also Like
Bloody internet 😳
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*