My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us