“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My love language is deader than Latin
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..