2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
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Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
sleeping beauty