Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.