Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane