Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
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I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?