judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
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WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Whoa 😂
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them