Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*