My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.