CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.