I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so