Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
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OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]